sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
