I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
