I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm both gender and math confused
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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