i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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