I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
