Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
