I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
