Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
