i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
