So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
