I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
