My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
