Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
