My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
