so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
