So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
