Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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