Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
