foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
