9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
