i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
