Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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