I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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