so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
