You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
