Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
