I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
