Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
