this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
