i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
