i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
