I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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