She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
