Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
