Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
