took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
