I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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