I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
