God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
