I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
