i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
