This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
