I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
