The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We got so high we made milksteak
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
