Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
