Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just blew my weed a kiss
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
