"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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