how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
you never un-have a 4some
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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