Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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