Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
