If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
